Feelings

If needs make up 90% of our connection with ourselves and others, then feelings make up the remaining 10%.

Like needs, feelings are universal; that is, they are common to all of us. We know what it is, for example, to feel happy, engaged, intrigued, inspired, amazed, exhilarated, appreciative, hopeful, delighted, calm, peaceful, tranquil, enlivened. When we feel these feelings, we can know that our needs are met, for feelings are barometers of how well we meet our needs. When we feel pleased or content or relaxed, we know our needs are satisfied in the moment.

Similarly, there is another group of feelings that help us know when our needs are not being met. When we feel afraid, panicked, worried, frustrated, impatient, angry, bewildered, torn, alienated, unsettled, worn out, anguished, heartbroken, sad, discouraged, tense, guarded, we can know our needs are not being met.

This is the beauty of feelings, for feelings are neither good nor bad. They are simply pieces of information that indicate when a need is met or not met. Like needs, it is helpful to express our feelings explicitly—to say, for example, I feel excited or I feel apprehensive.

Implicitly Expressed Feeling	Explicitly Expressed Feeling
I feel that his decision was unfair.	I feel indignant.
I feel you don’t care.	I feel hurt.
I feel manipulated.	I feel angry.
I feel like you don’t understand me.	I feel sad.
I feel overworked.	I feel worn out.

Feelings are akin to a gas gauge in a car. Feelings that indicate our needs are met tell us we have plenty of gas. Feelings that indicate our needs are not met tell us we are running on empty. Learning to distinguish between feelings and needs—and to share our feelings and needs explicitly—keeps us connected to the best in ourselves. We need not fear that our anger or disappointment comes out sideways as shame or blame or criticism or judgment. When we own our fear and anger, we transcend the field of wrongdoing and show up in ways that connect rather than alienate.