Needs

Of the four pieces of Language of Compassion, needs is the most pivotal, as it is around needs that the other three revolve.

The word needs is an interesting word, as it means different things to different people. Perhaps the most useful definition of needs comes from Lucy Leu, a colleague of Marshall Rosenberg’s who wrote a Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook to accompany Marshall’s work. In her workbook, she defines needs as those qualities that sustain a life that we all cherish. We would be hard pressed to find a clearer definition. Needs, then, name what we want in a life of well-being.

Needs can be social, interpersonal, physical, and spiritual. Examples of needs include: connection, consideration, cooperation, empathy, mutuality, support, trust, shelter, authenticity, integrity, play, ease, meaning, competence, growth, self-expression, autonomy.

Because needs are universal, they connect us to ourselves and to others. We all know what it is to have a need for connection or cooperation or support or trust. That’s the beauty of needs. We can easily relate to them because we have experienced these needs, first-hand, for ourselves. While we may not have a need for connection in the moment, we know what it is to have a need for connection.

Marshall believed that all behavior is in the service of needs. When someone hits or yells or slams a door or walks out of a room, they are attempting to meet a need. Conflict, he said, never comes from needs; it comes from strategies used to meet needs.

When needs are explicitly expressed, they look and sound like this: I need support. In an explicit expression, needs are clear and specific. There can be no confusion about what is alive in the other person. Unfortunately, many of us are unaccustomed to speaking in this clear and specific way. When we attempt to express our needs we often do so with criticism and judgment, saying instead, You never help around the house. For Marshall, this is a tragic expression of an unmet need; tragic, because it makes it hard for another to hear what we want them to hear and we risk, in the process, not getting our needs met.

Sometimes, when we don’t claim our needs—when we are indirect or unaware—needs come out sideways in blame or criticism, and we risk alienating ourselves and others.

Here are some examples of tragically expressed needs and explicitly expressed needs:

Tragically Expressed Needs	Explicitly Expressed Needs
You never help around the house.	I need support.
You never listen to what I say.	I need to be heard.
You are always late.	I have a need for trust.
You ask too much of me.	I need ease.
I can’t believe you forgot my birthday.	I need to know I matter.

It is okay to share our needs explicitly; and when we do, we show up in strength, able to respond to what is alive in us by sharing to ourselves and others what our needs are.

For some, the word need is a frightening word, as they fear others will see them as weak, but weakness comes from not stating a need and expecting others to be responsible for meeting unspoken needs. Within the context of Language of Compassion, needs is a powerful word. It shows that the individual comes from a place of strength by acknowledging what is alive in them and sharing it with others. In fact, Marshall believed that acknowledging needs makes up 90% of our connection with ourselves and others. To share a need explicitly keeps a relationship alive and thriving.