Releasing Myself From The Past

Annie

My friend Deedi was struggling with a life situation. People in our group were trying to offer support in any way that we could.

Deedi mentioned that she would like to visit an art exhibit downtown and told us that she was looking for somebody to watch her six-year-old, Freddy, for a few hours.  I like Freddy, so I called Deedi and told her that I would be happy to watch him.  I thought that I might take Freddy to see a puppet show and for ice cream afterward. 

Later Deedi told me that she would like to go to the exhibit with her friend. Would I also be willing to watch her friend’s little girl?   I knew Deedi’s friend only as a passing acquaintance.   

I told Deedi that I was happy to watch Freddy.  I was not willing to watch her friend’s little girl, though, as I did not think that I could handle two children.  Deedi’s friend was well employed and could afford a babysitter. 

Reflecting upon the situation, I said to myself, “I feel taken advantage of.”

Now “taken advantage of” is not a feeling in the way that happy and sad are. “Happy” and “sad” live in our bodies. Taken advantage of is an idea that might live in our minds. It is a narrative that we tell ourselves, and then we have feelings about that narrative.

I was telling myself the story that Deedi was taking advantage of me by asking me to watch her friend’s child.  I therefore felt irritated, scared, and, somehow, a little ashamed.  What did I need? 

Somehow, the understanding that being taken advantage of was not a feeling but a story brought some inner change.

My mind flew back to a situation that took place when I was about eight years old.

I was standing beside the refrigerator in our kitchen. My Mother asked, “Did you let them take advantage of you?” It seemed that my Mother was looming over me, that her voice was high and fearful, and that her eyes were filled with contempt. I felt scared and ashamed.

I decided in that moment that allowing somebody to take advantage of me was a sign that I was a fool. I vowed never to allow anybody to take advantage of me again.

I sighed with relief after I remembered this episode. I realized that when I told myself that Deedi had taken advantage of me, I had felt scared and ashamed because I needed to understand something.

My heart filled with compassion for myself and for my Mother. She had only cared for me and wanted my safety. Her contempt in the moment had nothing to do with me. It had to do with something from her own experience, about which I knew nothing.

I concluded that even though nobody likes being taken advantage of, there is no reason to call oneself a fool. That kind of thing happens to everybody from time to time.

After that episode, I breathed a little easier, and I felt calm. I had a little more ease, a little more self respect, and a little more freedom to be myself.

I decided that I still did not want to watch Deedi’s friend’s child.  The request didn’t meet my need for consideration, and in saying “No” I offered some consideration to myself.  Deedi was not happy about my decision, but our friendship has weathered just the same.

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