Language of Compassion
In the 1200s, the Indian poet Rumi once wrote, “Beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. Meet me there.”
Little did Rumi know that in the 20th century, nearly 800 years after he penned those words, an American psychologist named Marshall Rosenberg would find that field and name it Nonviolent Communication.
As a psychologist, Marshall was keenly aware of the traditional ways we have of speaking to one another and to ourselves—often through blame, shame, guilt, and judgment—recognizing that many of us have been carefully trained, educated, and enculturated to speak in ways that lead to pain and hurt.
It was Marshall’s intent to create a different language, a language that embraced life rather than alienated life, and in his seminal work, Nonviolent Communication, Marshall shares this new language, replacing life-alienating language of blame, shame, guilt, and judgment with a radically different language, a language of compassion.
What inspired Marshall’s work was his belief that we are all compassionate beings by nature, that it is nonviolence—not violence—that defines our basic nature.
With this idea in mind, Marshall was intrigued by two questions:
1. What helps people stay connected to the best in themselves under trying circumstances?
2. What keeps people alienated from the best in themselves under trying circumstances?
For Marshall, that answer was language—that how we think and speak to ourselves and others is crucial to staying connected to our compassionate selves and to others.
In his work with Carl Rogers, the eminent 20th-century psychologist, Marshall saw the significance of feelings, recognizing that in naming and acknowledging our feelings, we stay connected to the best in us and others. But he also saw that feelings alone were not enough, that feelings were connected to needs. In connecting feelings to needs, Marshall realized that feelings and needs shared a relationship with each other, that feelings were a barometer of how well we meet our needs.
While feelings and needs comprised one half of nonviolent communication, the other half included observations without evaluations and specific requests. What helps compassion flow—what invites the shift from condemnation to curiosity—is focusing our attention on these four areas:
1. Observation without evaluation: What do I see or hear, separate from judgment?
2. Feelings: How do I feel about what I am observing?
3. Needs: What are my needs connected to what I am feeling?
4. Requests: What are my strategies for meeting my needs?
In these four pieces, Marshall had found the structure and the process of a language that was nonviolent, that was the field beyond wrongdoing and right doing.