Confusion and Success

Linda

One afternoon I picked up my two grandchildren after school. My granddaughter, 12, started to whistle in the car on the way home, and her brother, 10, objected. They both seemed unusually tired and unkind. They argued about her whistling and when I asked them to stop, my granddaughter refused and continued to whistle. This was unusual for her.

I tried to negotiate, suggesting that they agree to let her whistle for 3 minutes, after which he could tell me about his day. They both said, “No!” and kept arguing. I felt surprised, angry, and confused. I then demanded complete silence until we were home, noting there would be consequences, but that I needed inspiration to think about them.

After arriving home, I gave them snacks and they each retreated into separate rooms for some screen time and alone time. My granddaughter mentioned that it had been a hard day. I thought about the circumstances and how I felt and what I needed. Then I thought about what they possibly needed. I realized that I felt hurt and confused and needed to know what was going on because this situation was worse than their usual sibling bickering. It was especially unusual for my granddaughter to speak like that. I thought she was aggravated, but I was too confused to know what she might need. I decided to feed them dinner first and after dinner say that we needed to talk.

I started our talk by saying I had been hurt and upset and that I needed to understand. I also shared that I realized she had given me a clue when she said it had been a hard day for her. I said I believed the whistling had been her way to relax after a very hard day, as she had kept her distress and frustration inside all day long. When she got into the car, she had let it all erupt. I then said, “I am pleased that you had found a safe place with me to finally express your frustration.”

My granddaughter explained that people had been telling her what to do all day long and that she couldn’t handle any more, noting that even her favorite art class had not been great that day. She then talked for a while about things that had gone badly during the day. As I listened to her, I felt relieved and touched by her willingness to be open, honest, and vulnerable with me, grateful for the closeness we now shared. All of us felt relaxed at that point and enjoyed a calm conversation, agreeing, together, to use the three-minute plan whenever needed. The afternoon that had begun in anger, confusion, and hurt had turned into an evening of relief and connection.

Celebrations: