Turning Away from Enemy Images
Mason

Several years ago, soon after I was introduced to Marshall Rosenberg’s work on compassionate language, I decided to apply his ideas to a business situation where a partner was upset with me over something I had no control.

As I considered my feelings and needs, I realized I felt angry as my need to be understood had not been met. In acknowledging my feelings and needs, I felt the intensity of my anger diminish and I soon experienced a shift from reactivity to curiosity. I wondered, What were his feelings and needs?

Although I cannot know what he felt or needed (without asking him), I could certainly guess them, and I guessed that he, too, may have felt unsettled by the situation and that he may have had needs for safety and peace. As I held these thoughts in mind, what I had originally perceived as an attack on me shifted into my seeing his trying to meet his needs. I could see, clearly, that my business partner was trying to manage the overwhelming feelings that he was experiencing with strategies that did not contribute to the well-being of all.

As I held these ideas in mind, I felt much calmer and connected to him. In our next call, we were able to find a solution that worked for both of us.

One surprising outcome of these conversations is how often I find that we have the same needs but different strategies for meeting them. It is always the conflicting strategies and never the needs that caused the conflicts.

Viewing not only my personal relationships but also individuals in the news from a perspective of feelings and needs helps me find peace where I previously experienced anger and temptation toward judgment.

Where I previously saw anger and attack, I now see, as Marshall Rosenberg put it, tragic expressions of unmet needs, and with this perception it is much easier for me to experience a happy, peaceful life.

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