Putting It All Together
How, then, do we put all of these pieces together? How do we translate a judgment into the Language of Compassion?
What follows is a detailed example of that translation that shows what the Language of Compassion looks and sounds like. Let us assume, as an example, that an individual holds the judgmental thought, “You are always so angry.” The best place to begin is to be aware of a judgmental thought, for it is only then that we can become curious about the observations, feelings, needs and requests that are connected to the judgment. To begin:
1. Be aware of judgmental thoughts:
“You are always so angry.”
2. Shift that thought by connecting to these 4 components:
Observation: What do I observe, specific to time and context?
Feelings: How do I feel?
Needs: What do I need?
Request: What is my strategy, specific to time and behavior?
3. Shape that connection by using these 4 sentence stems:
Observation: “When I see/hear . . .”
Feelings: “I feel . . .”
Needs: “because I need . . .”
Request: “Would you be willing to . . . ?”
4. Share the connection by speaking with compassion in 2 or 3 sentences:
“When we reviewed our household budget last night, I heard an increase in the volume of your voice and saw your face turn red. I felt anxious because I have a need for peace and calm. Would you be willing to explore ways in which we can bring peace to our budget discussions?”
In this example, the observation without evaluation is: “When we reviewed our household budget last night, I heard an increase in the volume of your voice and saw your face turn red.” What follows the observation is an acknowledged feeling: “I felt anxious.” What follows the acknowledged feeling is an acknowledged need: “I have a need for peace and calm.” What follows the acknowledged need is a specific request: “Would you be willing to explore ways in which we can bring peace to our budget discussion?”
In this way, we are encouraged to tell our truths—not push them under the rug—in ways that increase connection to ourselves and others. Language of Compassion is not about sidestepping the issue; it is about being vulnerable enough to share what is important to us.
Many of us are afraid to show up in our vulnerability, believing we will appear weak, but the opposite is true. To show up in vulnerability—willing to own our feelings and needs and to share them with another—is to show up in strength, deepening the connection with those we care about, with those we work with, and with those whose well-being matters to us. It is a paradox, then, that in our vulnerability our strength lies.